Time has been moving so fast. Days come and go, all the things I want to accomplish are adding up. So many thoughts travel through my mind, I can’t keep track, it’s hard to choose which ones I want to ride out…is it even my decision? So many great ideas, anxieties, theories, fears, motivation, sadness, random memories, ponderings come to me…I forget most as soon as they come…they always go. One thought captured becomes another instantly. Where are they coming from? Are they internal or external, is there a difference…sometimes I think they are two of the same. The same what…I guess that is the question?

I once was asleep, more asleep than I am now… and wow the thoughts that traveled my mind were for lack of a better word universes apart. For better and for worse, my paradigm has shifted very drastically. I am conscious of my consciousness and ooh what a confusing reality this has become. There are few “people” who think the way I do, rarely any I come in contact with. Or maybe I do come in contact with them, but they are playing the same naiveté facade as I cause we both feel the other would not understand where the other’s mind is, has been, or is going.

I feel as if everyone around me is riding a wave, inside of a bubble…a thick protective bubble which they are just tumbling forward in. They have no idea what’s behind them and have less an idea of how deep and powerful the ocean they skim the surface of lies beneath them…But they don’t really care. I am envious of them. They are riding evolved chemical signals once made for survival and are exploiting them for their blind misconstrued benefit. We all do it, whether it be bingeing on high sugar or fat saturated foods, obsessing on the female figure, drugs, entertainment, distractions. We think sugar “tastes good” but that’s just categorization of thought through language to describe our attraction to it. The reason we are attracted to sugar is that through millions of years of evolution, sugar signaled us to eat foods with high calories/nutrients such as ripe fruit that were beneficial to our survival and that is why fruits are sweet, or why we sense they are, it is simply an attracting factor. We evolved attraction to sweetness and are now being exploited by it eating it in its pure form (without the fiber to digest it) which makes it actually bad for us. Sugar is just an example for anything that attracts us which we take advantage of or overdue. Other examples come from the use of all our other senses: perfume, sexual desire, music, beauty, pleasures, feelings(happiness) or men/women with exaggerated assets (muscles, butt, boobs) and foods high in fat.

See where my thoughts took me? That wasn’t planned, why did I end up talking about what we’re attracted to? I think I was trying to talk about our thoughts and how they are not under our control? Or are they?

What I really want to say is that I’m so upset with society and people’s character, the ignorance, untruth, the blindness, government, selfishness, lack of empathy… yet at the same damn time I’m in awe at how amazing, organized, advanced, consistent, caring, cooperative and brilliant it is..

I’ve been everywhere but barely anywhere at all. I stay in my apartment a good amount of the time, stacked on top of two other households, 10 feet away from my next door neighbor separated by an 8-inch wall. 20 feet away from the people in the next building. I pee and you know what 6 ft. above the neighbors below me but it’s still just me here. I barely even know these people, I’m cordial with the girls next door. There’s not really much to talk about except nonsense; Hi/bye, predetermined greetings, short catch ups on what’s going on in the building, commenting on the weather or something unexpected in our mostly consistent lives. Why do we live here packed so tightly in this small expanse of land? It’s because we feel safe in numbers, we work better in numbers, we are of the herd. A human vs. a predator stands no chance in the “wilderness” one on one. One human vs. one tiger, lion, wolf, bear without any tools or weapons…stands no chance. However, if it was 5 on 5 or more the circumstances change. We can collaborate better than they, we can communicate in ways they haven’t evolved their language for. We can utilize the environment with our advanced vision, opposable thumbs, and intelligence. We have killed and pushed any threat outside our cities, creating a safe haven. We have brought all the resources in the world within a ten-mile radius of where we reside. Close to nothing in modern-day society is possible without a collaborative effort. The laptop I’m currently using is the collaborative effort of thousands of people, of which have all shared interactions and influx of information with/from millions of people who therefore evolved from billions of people down the line. Practically every product, piece of information, or tool we own is made by numerous people coming together to achieve a common goal. And now, again, I’m using this “journaling” to share random facts of knowledge I carry around inside my mind…how odd. Or maybe it’s on purpose, maybe I know that sharing this information will somehow help us as a species, help us live better, longer, more productively?

A friend of mine told me to really pay attention to the way others act and the things they say, because NOTHING is random. At first, I tried to argue it… I used the example of someone “shooting the shit” just to have a pointless conversation when they’re in a closed space with another person. Yet even casual gibberish has a reason, either the person is uneasy about the awkward silence between them in the situation, or possibly they want to communicate with the other to relieve tension or show they are harmless, or they choose to share something to see what response they invoke, maybe even form a bond. Even when we don’t consciously know we are doing or saying something for a specific reason, there is always an underlying reason.

As you can maybe tell, I’m pretty bewildered at this point…but I’m in this state because I observe very precisely as much as I can, my environment, my thoughts, other’s actions, their choices, how society functions, psychology, the way ideas, processes, & materials are designed.. order, disorder. I am more confused than the other because I am chasing this abstract idea we label truth. The other is less confused because they are sheltered by their own protective bubble, where their psyche has kept the unconscious mechanisms of their being subconscious.. for a good reason. They are floating through a meaningless life with constant distraction from the time they wake up to the time they sleep because g-d forbid they had one silent second with their own thoughts they would go absolutely insane. Keep on with the meaningless never changing robotic jobs in which they were scripted and trained to do. 9-5, shelter from “outside,” no sun, 90-degree corners, flat surfaces, stripped of color; white walls, grey furniture…and repeat daily. Then, make sure when you leave that job to turn up the radio, put blaring techno on that blocks any natural thought from popping into your mental, watch your shows that arrest your attention, endlessly scroll through social media wishing your life were more like the others who only portray pretentious positive highlight reels of their own lives. Go shopping: consume, consume, consume…repeat. Get those dopamine hits wherever you can. Always be happy, pop those pills, drink that beverage. Cheap thrills, going to bars that over charge with the hopes of finding new people to interact with… we all know that only happens on a surface level of talking common nonsense. Keep yourself busy always, never ever be in silence with yourself. Don’t ever think about the nature of your reality, don’t ever reflect. Keep it going like this until you die.

….Wait,
Why are you alive?

I vowed to not meander the surface, I will not cruise through life as a peasant to reality, I can no longer return to the bliss of ignorance. I have already taken upon me the responsibility of swallowing the red pill. This means not fitting in, this means suffering, judgment, outcasted from society. This means the pain of reality and the endless search for meaning. But you better believe there’s meaning, and if not you better fool yourself in *knowing* so…because ohhh if you come to the modern ideology that there is no meaning, you will be living in a troubling meaningless, endless suffering ticking away one second at a time until eventually your life that you assigned no meaning to disappears meaninglessly.

Are we meant to break out and wake up? Sometimes I really feel as if I want to go back to sleep.

Goodnight
1:03 am July 12th, 2017